January 2015

January 30, 2015 0

One Fish, Two Fish, Catfish’ed ‘hooFish

"Found some dude pretending he was me on chatrooms. And I was like ‘Hell no. Fuck outta here fish.’ Then I’m up on eBay and can’t find shit and I’m like, ‘Shit, I could do this. Be some Chinese dude and make a eBay kinda thing.’" [...]

January 25, 2015 0

#DeflateGate: Gates to Heaven Temporarily Deflated. St. Peter Cites “Too Many Ethnics”

“Year after year, the numbers grow,” the patron saint of bakers told Borfes. “Martinez this, Enichebe that. Heavyset and dense of bone, and often times both.” [...]

January 22, 2015 0

Belichick Comes Clean

Some were shocked by the news. But in truth, Belichick has been suspected by many to be a chain-smoking grandmother in her sixties for some time now. [...]

January 15, 2015 0

#GiveThemOurGirls: BP Trades 500 Girls for Good Land

“The exchange of women for goods is a tried and true economic device. We’ve been trading young girls for real wealth for centuries, and will, one hopes, continue doing so for the rest of our time on this glorious earth.” [...]

January 14, 2015 0

Great Grief: Beloved ‘Peanuts’ Star Charlie Brown Beheaded

Far too graphic for general consumption, the footage shows Brown paraded in a black hood as his assailants shout garbled chants of “nothing is forgiven” and “the dog is next,” before laboriously hacking away at his neck with a butter knife. Torrential waves of blood and tissue gush from the wound until the head is fully removed and used as a soccer ball for upwards of ten minutes. [...]

January 14, 2015 0

Heathen Scum of the Year

To say no American can any longer practice the true faith of The Right Church of The Correct Peoples of Our Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth is unfortunately a truth and possibly the hardest news one will ever have to utter in the expanse of reality. But as it were, this fact does not change THE fact that any soul not pursuing the faith is damned eternal forever. We write cartoons and comic strips about it all the time. [...]

January 8, 2015 0

Poo Heads Can’t Take Joke. Kill Many.

At least twelve staff members at French magazine Charlie Hebdo were brutally murdered by a trio of humorless whiney babies with stinky poo pants early Wednesday. [...]

January 7, 2015 2

Gates Erects Erection Effigy, Quote: “We’ve Waited Long Enough”

“We used the same technology for Gollum,” Lownes informed. “And Andy actually helped loads with the expression and movement for the statue. We’ve been blessed.” [...]

January 3, 2015 0

New Year. Same Heathen Dogs.

How many police officers shot people this year? Probably gonna be more. I think it’s right that they become GIs or, at least, more militarized and physically aggressive with the citizens of this great nation. It’s only a matter of time before a famined drought like none ever witnessed and storm of locust rain upon the heathens in the desert plain... [...]

January 3, 2015 0

Borfes’ Top 5 Lists of 2014

Whittling down this year’s registers proved no easy task. Our editorial staff debated late into second breakfast as to this year’s picks, but when the dust and blood and tranquilizers finally settled, these final 5 remained… [...]