2015’s Best American Investments

NEW YORK, NY– Every year our greatest nation in the world is rife with shrewd investment and business acumen. As such, it falls upon the hearts and minds here at Borfes to cull the cream from the crap. This year proved no small order what with terrorism, fear-mongering and downright criminality saturating every fiber of this American life. And so, with all in mind, we now bring you 2015’s best American investments.

5.) The Sinaloa cartel –

A year full of daring prison escapes and extremist bating, Sinaloa made a job of making headlines in 2015. But more important to the Borfesinesspeople of America was what good business it was to get your lungs wet and money dirty with the world’s fastest growing drug cartel.

El Chapo is truly bold, and his tactics for seducing new blood show this quality in spics. Sorry, spades. When the average American investor raking in 7-figures+ read his tongue-chopping threat to the ISIS leadership, there was simply no way anyone was going to keep these bread-winning patriots from tatting up and ruthlessly murdering an immediate family member for gang initiation, thus gaining an entirely new kind of family, and a business investment that keeps onvesting.

4.) Insurance in Planned Parenthood –

The only places being shot up in 2015 more than these health clinics for low-income citizens were actual active war zones and Anthony Kiedis’ veins. After the first Christian right “gunman” of the year decided his God’s law is pretty much Murphy’s law, investors the nation over ran faster than his speeding bullets to buy up whatever business and real estate insurance they could, and simply watched the greenbacks flow like the blood of the innocent.

We appreciate the acute knowledge to act so quickly on such an horrific social injustice, and look forward to how American business can turn the moral compass even farther towards degradation in the coming years.

3.) The Ben Carson Presidential Campaign

Not many investments this year came shrouded in so much uncertainty. But as well, not many pack as fulfilling a surprise as investing in the campaign of renegade archaeologist and somehow actual neurosurgeon Ben Carson. The brash statements. The unfounded facts. The near-disregard for any kind of research-based rhetoric. With so much of this going on one might almost think he were a Trump, if not for the fact that Donald Trump wouldn’t let him into one of his country clubs. And not because they disagree on foreign policy.

Yes, the Carson campaign makes this list for one reason above all: any person willing to sink money and time into it will soon have a much clearer view of smart investing, if they don’t already. One could bet a pyramid full of grain on it.

2.) ISIS

Most may not know this, but possibly the biggest investment made by America this year was in the Islamic State. Quite literally. Despite the in-fighting among various branches of the federal government and the CIA and a small host of others, the knowledge has breached the ether of our nation’s past and continued funding of extremist cells in the Middle East, much like The Reagan’s backing of the Taliban in Afghanistan all those years ago. And to put it bluntly, we’re impressed.

The media coverage. The legislation for further combat efforts. More excuses to make for inherent prejudices in every corner of the country. This was a deft move from the people in charge, and the business that has followed can only be applauded as maverick. Expect similar forays into the military industrial machine in the coming year.

1.) Borfes Magazine

We’re never fans of personal horn tooting, but in a year riddled with so much trash and destruction, the one stalwart for a confident investment still remains our very own Borfes Magazine.

With insider looks into the journalism process, subscriber sweepstakes, prizes, foreign humans, local amphetamines, stock and investment scoops and a bevy of under-the-table perks, investing in Borfes in 2015 put the investor at the front of the curb. In Timberlands. While the rest of the populace bite it. What happens next, we leave to you.

There you have the year’s investments. And if you invested in any of them, there’s a great chance your money is gone. But that’s the risk all take in business. And that’s why you have the good people of Borfes for guidance. Jack in and on again for our next installment of the Annual Year-End Holiday List Blast. Until then, Merry Busimas.