STARS AND EXECS TO FLOG AND QUARTER RANDOM SELECTIONS FROM UNEMPLOYMENT POOL ON NEXT WEEK’S “BACHELOR” SPECIAL.
AGOURA HILLS, CA — Early last May, ABC used the annual broadcast network upfronts to announce plans for a massive twelve-year anniversary post-finale special of fan favorite series “The Bachelor.”
“This is the big one,” stated Media Marketing Coordinator Tiana Hardwick at the time of the announcement. “After they see what we’ve got cooked up, Bachelor-ettes will be in an utter frenzy. They’ll be telling their kids about this special event for every generation until humanity meets its end due to lack of clean drinking water.”
And after the record-breaking ratings for the show’s finale, the speical couldn’t come at a better time.
In Monday’s gripping event, sex farmer Chris Soules is sprung by his two secret ex-flings, freeze pilates instructor Delores Havermeyer and Cirque du Soleil performer Steve Bulane. Soon after, a panel of Disney and ABC executives join them in what the network is calling “The Skull of Truth.”
It is atop this Skull– a 42-foot-high grandstand moulded in the likeness of Disney’s iconic tri-circled mouse head– that, with the aide of the execs, the contestants will ruthlessly flagellate some lucky unemployed fans of the series. Then Chris will have to choose between a threesome atop the body chunks with his exes, or Whitney.
“All of us at ABC wanted to show our viewers that we hear,” Miss Hardwick relayed in a press release yesterday. “We are vastly aware of the struggles affecting Americans of every walk of life, and the severity of the issue with our growing income gap. This ceremonious event is a show of togetherness. Corporate CEOs and unemployed undesirables on one stage, in one space, playing out many, many beatings, before all fan selections are severed into four parts and used as bedding. There will also be a fireworks show.”
Tune into ABC next Monday at 8PM EST to catch “The Bachelor Party Twelve-Year Skull of Truth Post-Finale Event Special” or find it on the ABC NOW app after it airs.