Apple iVee Aims to Plug Up iPhone Sales

New “iVee” from Apple to Link All Products with Owner Intravenously

NEW YORK, NY– On the back of their first ever last quarter sales drop for the famed iPhone, Apple drew next blood in the fight for tech dominance on Tuesday with the announcement of their brand new iVee series.

A supposed one-up to Samsung’s mostly shit “Internet of Things,” all iVee products and software will be connected to their owner–or “iPot,” as the marketing is calling them–via nerves and bloodways thanks to a chip insert called the “Seed.”

Manufactured by Dr. Katrina Buchenov of Oxford University, the Seed draws on DNA and chromosomal activity to become, in essence, a ninth ventricle of the Apple ID holder, or iPot it possesses. The person’s information is then loaded onto a flashdrive in Steve Jobs’ basement.

Apple CEO Tim Cook described the new Apple Seed program as “what the company is going to come out with.”

“Test results have been more or less what you’d expect from a program in which you insert microchip seeds into the neurological system of a human being,” Dr. Buchenov offhanded. “Anyone could really imagine how things are progressing.”

Obviously.

Apple have already received upwards of ten thousand applications for the first wave of iPot Seed implantation.

You can bet your bottom bitcoin Beavis Geobbs is on that list.

Follow along at www.BorfesMag.com/BeavisGetsImplanted for more on my connection to the new world.