Bill Belichick Admits to Being 65-Year-Old Grandmother of Four
GLENDALE, AZ– With the storm of accusations thrown at his franchise following last week’s now-infamous #deflategate scandal, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick held a press conference last night to lay the facts bare.
“I know that many of you are angry,” the coach grunted from underneath a cut-off Metallica sweatshirt, “And I know our past lends to suspicion. So I’m just going to go ahead and set the record straight. Yes, I am the happy grandmother of four of the greatest kids on Earth.”
Belichick shocked some with the news, but in truth, has been suspected by many to be a chain-smoking grandmother in her sixties for some time now.
“I’m sure it’s much clearer to all now why I sometimes misinterpret the rules. I’m a grandma! My eyes are getting worse by the day. And you kids are so smart with all your new computer games and eye phones.”
The press met the revelation with relieved “ohh’s” and chuckled sighs. “That explains it,” grinned Tina Nitatino of ESPN Magazine. “My ninns does kooky things like that all the time. And looks quite like him too, come to think of it.”
Belichick will set an NFL record when his Patriots take on the Seattle Seahawks in next week’s Super Bowl XLIX, as the first ever outed grandmother to coach a team in the game. (Tom Coughlin was charged with being a grandmother in the run-in to the Giants’ 2007 Bowl win, but was cleared of all charges when the inquest discovered he was simply “a very old man.”)