NEW YORK, NY– Continuing our Annual Year-End Holiday List Blast of the year’s end, we bring you The Five Biggest Business Coups of 2014. This year saw some of the most heartwarming corporate takeovers, technological revolutions and national catastrophes to date, so our staff had quite a job on their hands. Kicking off at number five:
5.) Guardians of the Galaxy
When a renegade fanatic sets out on a genocidal campaign of world domination, who could’ve guessed that a team of convicts, thieves and petty criminals would have what it takes to overthrow the danger? Good business all around, from the Nova Corps to Yondu and the Ravagers for picking up Peter Quill at such a young age. Granted, we know that Quill’s celestial father might have had a heavy hand in their meddling, but by God, was that Star-Lord a steal. And ooh, those moves.
4.) Guardians of Peace
Not to be outdone, our number four spot is reserved for another set of ragtags aimed at toppling a seemingly unstoppable juggernaut. Hitting the global scene with a bang and some dial-up chatter, the “Guardians of Peace” have been the talk of the town.com ever since their apparent hack of Sony Pictures Entertainment earlier this month. In a time where comedy films carry about as much weight as Seth Rogen wasn’t able to shed before production began, the GOP proved to the world that if you set your mind to it, your government could back you in the infiltration and public release of all private and security information for a multinational corporation that has disobeyed your outlandish and ridiculous demands of cessation. Lucky for Americans, our desensitization towards such tyrannical behavior has been well underway thanks to a very different GOP. The OG GOP, if you will.
3.) Heretofore Unnamed Mogul Tech Corporation
It seems as though anywhere you look these days, you see Heretofore Unnamed Mogul Tech Corporation. Along with their updated chromebook and chromecast features, Hfumtc unveiled house number identification, self-driving automobiles and genital reconstructive 3D printing in 2014. But in what’s probably the least talked about event in the company’s year, Hfumtc has pulled the rug out from under the tech biz. In late January, a would-be college sophomore was plucked from the obscurity of the Ivy League after earning his degree a whole two years early for what his university describes as “learning faster.” Little is known about this Thom Dingmus, aside from his triple major in applied metaphysics, philosophy and 22nd-century microcomputer design, but the seemingly mob-like tactics used in his acquisition have our hand planted like Luca Brasi in a Sollozzo bar. Borfes expects big things in 2015 from Thom Dingmus.
2.) Audi A5
The 2014 Audi A5 proves that beauty is truly more than skin deep. A menage of a pleasant driving demeanor, confident handling, seductive interior and beddable fuel economy. Most of our corporate backers have been carnally intimate with this coupe since its release at the tail end of last year, and members of our executive staff are known to have bandied for at least a rimmer. With added features like Bluetooth and keyless ignition, we can’t blame them. We only hope ours will be depressed enough for us in the next few decades.
1.) Special Agent Dale Cooper
Topping our list is a coop nobobby can resist. Sure, he seems to leave a trail of dead pin-up models as long as John Merrick’s tongue in his transcendental wake, but that’s nothing some damn good coffee and a slice of huckleberry pie couldn’t keep in 50s-chic purgatory. Detractors say twenty-five years may be a few too many when it comes to chocolate bunny rabbits, but Frost and Lynch have something to show them, and Borfes has a feeling it’s not an erection. Our log tells us Showtime’s grabbed the pick of the peaks with this one, and they may have even killed Laura Palmer. Don’t ruin this, too, Leland.
Former Golden State Warrior and fictional star of “Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper,” his having been such a wonderful foil to the Full House gang and Matthews clan at ABC’s TGIF block through the 90s lands him a near miss on this year’s list. There’s always next year Mark!
And there you have it Borfesnissclass, your business-iest coups of the year. With an eye to 2015, keep yours out for the police departments of New York City and the nation at large. If you’re not careful, they could be shot out. And even if you are, they very likely will be. Especially if you are of a minorital heritage. The Blue Coup will be a shrewd move, so use this news to prove true the ruse to the boozey few. Happy Holidays!