The Annual Year-End Holiday List Blast keeps on blasting and just as we do every year, we’re rounding off the best music 2014 had to offer. With so much on our planis, let’s get right to it:
- Elusive C*nt by Sheila McGowan
Where so many songstresses carefully convey messages through satire and lush vocal prowess, Shelia McGowan’s third EP plays more like the tortured teen etching out her first tunes in the condo next door. “My cl*t is just a tiny di*k, and it’s still fu*king long”, bellows McGowan in the title track, “Big Piece”, and once the spark is lit, this album doesn’t stop until the whole orphanage is burned to the ground.
- Is This Where You Live and Where Do I Sleep? by Spider Monkeys
Perhaps the biggest import of this decade, Blackpool boys, Spider Monkeys infatuated American audiences with unrelatable quasi-rap about being stuck on buses in London traffic and sharing pints with older gentlemen. There is a nautically unpredictable sway to the record as paraplegic drummer Ashley Bumme’s best mate Bez would lay on his lap and slap the kick drum, in lieu of Bumme’s immobile lower half.
- Ibiza Pleeza by Desmond Spaghetti
The sound of being airlifted to the nearest hospital, Spaghetti’s new Dance classic pumps disease into all exposed crevices. Pleeza got its biggest boost from its single, and song of the summer, “Latinas Got Nice Big Butts, and So Do Black Girls As Well, And Sometimes White Girls”. From first needle drop, this album is a party where boys kiss their estranged fathers and teenagers have miscarriages in stall-less urinals.
- Highways and Hurricanes Live by Lenny Schroeder & The Mustang Convertibles
If ZZ Top learned to play their instruments as adults and were living off Workman’s Comp in Columbus, Ohio, it would sound somewhat like Lenny Schroeder’s latest release. Recorded live at the Slutty Pickle Saloon, this collection of smoke breaks, guitar tune-ups and greetings to new-arrivals is refreshingly familiar to anyone who was in attendance.
- Delicious Pussy by Cedric the Entertainer
Though technically not a musical release, this collection of Cana Lingus stories is so rampant with singing and human sound design that it earns itself a place on the top 10 list. If you ever wondered what added so many pounds to the acclaimed Entertainer’s waistline, this album reveals that it may just be from eating so much human pussy. Delicious Pussy is an auditory Thanksgiving dinner that reminds the listener what the Pilgrims and Indians had in common.
- Songs in the Key of Piss by Iridescent Anal Gland
Resident unknowns Esposito & Williams came on the indie cover scene after one pump with this sleeper Slam-Pig of classic tunes and epic favorites in early February. The only former offering from the two was as underground homosexual rap duo, Da Ass Pussy Piratez, back in 2011, and songs like “You’re Nobody Till Somebody Pisses In Your Hands” and “Bohemian Pee In My Handsody” prove the new project is pulling no punches. Each track blends the wrought tempo and structure that make pop’s greatest songs tick with heavy undertones and imagery of hand urination. 10 out of 10 for this debut from Iridescent Anal Gland. Keep a third eye out for more in 2015.
- Taciturn Rays by Bear Claw
The highly anticipated sophomore album from male-lesbian folk duo Bear Claw, Taciturn Rays is even more delicate than it’s predecessor. Imagine a sickly old woman whispering to you while a tabby cat thumbs at a ukulele at the foot of her bed. At times the sound of the CD moving on its tray eclipsed the noise coming out of my speakers. This is music Anne Frank could have listened to without fear.
- Wicked Bitch of the West by Basic Bitch
2014 was a year of tabloid headlines for Bono’s pop star daughter, whether it was the illicit images of of the underage singer blowing George Zimmerman or her accusation that U2 “spread more AIDS than they prevent.” However, it was her debut recording that deserved more attention than her antics. Eclectic world rhythms and razor sharp melodies about empowerment, individualism and deep-throating old guys, Wicked Bitch of the West is more than just a tweeny-bop record.
- Songs of Innocence by U2
A direct response to his daughter’s record, Bono rush-released U2’s 12th studio album to distract the public from the racy images of his child pleasuring the man who killed Trayvon Martin. Songs of Innocence is reductive and ultimately a smudge on the otherwise phenomenal U2 catalogue. I personally prefer Wicked Bitch of the West, but with The Edge being a Borfes shareholder, the band requested their album place higher than it on this list.
- Journalism in the Online Age, 2014 Borfes Seminar by Borfes Magazine
A captivating roundtable discussion of what it means to be a thorough and ethical journalist in the field of web publishing, this four-hour mp3 recording is a must-have for any Borfes reader. Elite writers (including yours truly) spitballing ideas, having a few chuckles, and just generally shooting the shit and getting blitzed. Be sure to pay attention around the three-hour mark for Jay’Saul Sherman’s thrilling account of when she forcibly entered husband Harold on the coast of Tia Corsica, raping him with sandpuppies with the help of the island’s indigenous peoples for nearly a fortnight.
Looking forward to big releases from Baha Men, Shia LeButtfuckers, Weezer, Beyonce, and GWAR (RIP Oderus!) in 2015. Happy New Year.