NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Many good things must come to an end, fellow job creators, and that includes the non-fiscal year of 2014. While we’re all sad to see this Annual Year-End Holiday List Blast draw to a close, little derives more pleasure from us than re-visiting another wonderful cycle of informative, entertaining, and highly lucrative lists for our annual, concluding index. Whittling down this year’s registers proved no easy task. Our editorial staff debated late into second breakfast as to this year’s picks, but when the dust and blood and tranquilizers finally settled, these final 5 remained…
- BORFES’ RACI-EST SPORTS FRANCHISES & THEIR OWNERS
Of course Donald Sterling took the top three slots of this list thanks to a year filled with racist and misogynist gurgles previously reserved only for Gibsons and Baldwins. His attempt to literally grow black athletes in irrigated land reminded us of other list-ee of the year the Washington Redskins and their “Ne’er Say Progress” attitude. Now that’s the mean business Borfes means by “Mean Business!”
- BORFES’ TOP 5 REASONS TO INVEST IN NORTH KOREAN METH
Five words: Best Shit We’ve Ever Had. In a few more from Rev Dr. Tubs O’Boyledoyle, “It’s made in a fortress state bordering Russia and China. And what good Commie doesn’t love an even better bump of crystal? We haven’t met him. And you can bet he’s not Oriental.” Simply put: This crank was tops. Find us more.
- BORFES’ TOP 5 USES FOR RUSSIAN MONOPOLY MONEY
Toilet paper. Kindling. Food. Sexual Lubricant. Roofies. The list so good we’re re-listing it. The ruble is truly more useful than ever.
- 22 WAYS YOU KNOW YOU’RE A JADED NYC EXECUTIVE
It’s rare that a list strikes so close to home for so many of the voices that matter. Not only here at Borfes, but the world over, and in our home of New York for definitely. We knew this list would make this list as soon as an intern cracked wise with a similar remark to the back of Barton Everett, sparking the idea in his mind, and a brutal facial-breast and torso beating for said intern at the hands and letter opener of Mr. Everett.
- BORFES’ TOP 5 REASONS YOU SHOULD BE READING BORFES
From 3D-printed genitals to body cavity apartments, viking funerals to gay swinging, nobody out-Borfesed Borfes when it came to this year’s business news. If you weren’t reading Borfes this year, you just weren’t reading. Period. And you now have a trojan virus. Happy 2015.
BORFES’ 5 BUSINESS-IEST COUPS OF 2014
It wasn’t easy to coop these coups on the Honorable Mention stoop, but that just goes to show how hard the competition was this year. From exciting acquisitions at the Heretofore Unnamed Mogul Tech Corporation, to Agent Dale Cooper’s triumphant return, this list encompassed some of the year’s smartest, most ruthless business plays.
BORFES’ TOP 5 UNITS OF CURRENCY 2014
In all fairness, this list probably should’ve made the cut. We fought long and hard over including it which, in the end, is actually why it wasn’t. As it happened, in the midst of all the arguing, we accidentally ripped the list in two and couldn’t figure out how to put it back together. Our bad. And thank you for all the “thank yous.”
BORFES’ TOP 10 ALBUMS OF THE YEAR
Possibly our favorite list each year, culled from the depths of the soul. Standouts like the murderer-sucking Basic Bitch or male-lesbians Bear Claw highlight an already bustling year in music. Sandi Koufax says of newcomers Iridescent Anal Gland, “I would probably fuck them.”
BORFES’ TOP 5 LISTS of 2014
To be honest, most of the staff felt this should top the charts in 2014, but with a supremely impressive new supervirus cooked up by our nerds in the shit, the REASONS FOR READING list just won out.
Here’s to insisting 2015 will be even better against all judgement!