At the close of every year, we here at Borfes try and pay homage to the aesthetic pleasures of world currency. We are first and foremost a super serious businessmenchartikalesprovakture – as our German money lender ancestors would shout at the Jews. But sometimes, you just need to take a step back and look at money without thinking about its gooey delicious worth. …Sometimes. And so, here is our list of the 5 hottest sexpots of gold for 2014:
- The 200 Rand Note – South Africa
Sure, it’s basically worthless. Maybe it isn’t, we haven’t checked. This article isn’t about value, it’s about aesthetics. And what’s more awesome than having one of the greatest leaders of civil rights, Nelson “Rykers Aint Shit” Mandela, on the front? AND HAVING A FUCKING LEOPARD ON THE BACK. We’d take that shit to the bank. The jungle bank!
And in 2014, jungle banks were even bigger than Tyra Banks.
- 250 Acres of Land – Pretty Much Anywhere
You know that tract of beautiful and arable land you’ve been sitting on all these years? Turns out that’s money! Anytime you want, you can take your work out from the ground and stop trying to root gophers to death, skip on over to one of Tuck Rambley’s Money Banks USA, and sell your spermy earth for a different heaping pile of stuff.
- The 5 Dollar Bill – EL Salvador
Sunny El Salvador. Land of the pupusa, the ocelot, and that’s right bitches: U.S. CURRENCY! Where that 5 Dollar bill would get you a whole lot more than it would in the United States itself circa 2014.
- The Japanese Folding Money
Sure it’s not the most wallet friendly bill, but that fact pales in comparison to the fact that this money is just about the most peaceful and zen-bringinaboutin moneys the world has ever seen. 2014 has been a year ripe with peaceful zen stuff in conjunction with high fashion. How can you be mad that you’re being shafted with an upcharge every other month, when your money looks like a crane?
- The 1 Dollar Bullet – United States
OK so this was supposed to be a bit of a secret, but, shucks, you just looked so darned excited, we made Christmas come early this year. That’s right, starting next year the U.S.’s main form of currency will be bullets, marking a new age of the fastest transactions businesses have ever seen. Fuck your Apple Pay. Whip out your standard issue AR-15 this Black Friday and get in and out of those madhouse shopping centers with ease!
The Ruble – Russia
We appreciate the effort.
So there you have it Borfesnissmen and women(?) of the world, 2014’s hottest speshy. Analysts are pegging 2015 as a retro year, so look forward to callbacks in the range of servitude and pelt bartering to couple with your brand new standard issue 1 Dollar bullets. Happy Hunting!