BAGTOWN, WV— Despite one of the most divided, polarized, scrutinized and genuinely upsetting elections in the small town of Bagtown, Georgia’s history, the good people of this quintessential American hamlet were ready to put their differences aside.
“I mostly spend my time elsewhere,” said one local man.
That was until legally deaf firefighter Reed Palmer’s meteoric rise to power shook Bagtown to its core. A self-professed sushi expert, sword collector, and dungeon master, Mayor Palmer’s interest in leading soon gave way to his interest in greeding.
The katanas and wakizashiz of popular Samurai lore now hang above the doors in City Hall, accompanied by characters of unknown origin. One Korean character, meaning “Health” or “Waterbed”, struck Asian members of the town as particularly offensive.
“His house say health,” says Rabbi Shen of Temple Yeg’Sheva of Bagtown. “But he deaf. He has weapons. He has money.”
“He the same!” Shen finished, slapping his head.
The same? Or is this mild mannered deaf fireman gaming the system in worse ways than Bagtown ever thought possible? Mayor Palmer’s annual income of $175,000 should put him in the highest income bracket in town, yet some suspect that his disabled status—long guaranteeing the mayor a premium parking spot at Bagtown Cinemas—is also granting him a bolstered income free from Bagtown’s shared economic burden.
Reed Palmer could not be reached for this story, but Fire Chief Wes Button of the Bagtown Fire Department did offer a titillating response when probed for questions about this divisive figure: “Reed always slept through the alarms, but he never slept through a dinner bell. I never knew a deaf guy who loved movies so much. If you’re askin’ me? I think the people of Bagtown need to get their eyes examined.”