NEW YORK, NY– A few days ago we ran an article from our own Sandi Koufax about the controversial movie that seems to be stealing the world’s ear, “Kim Jong Un Farts On Pizzas.” We interviewed the mind behind the film, high school junior Aly Wolodarski, and later posed to her an ultimatum. If Wolodarski did not release her film to the public within forty-eight hours of our article’s release, then the world would learn her every secret.
Well, the 48 hours have passed, and the auteur has remained silent. So world, we give you: The Reel Aly Wolodarski. Devil in a nude dress.
Name: Alyssa Amethyst Wolodarski Age: 17 DOB: 6/4/97
State of Birth: Pennsylvania SSN: 6G6 – 81 – 5666
Home Address: 4815 Thimble Town Rd, Hamilton, PA 16234
High School: Hamilton Court HS, Hamilton, PA
Favorite Movie: Must Love Dogs 2: The Savage Horde
Favorite TV Show: Attractive Small Deceivers
Favorite Musician: Iggy Poppzelia and The Three Stooges
Favorite Food: Pineapple Marshmallow Doritos
11/21/10 5:42PM — Here’s an excerpt from a raunchy instant message conversation between Aly and best friend at the time Susan Fedecate:
10/16/14 6:44PM — It seems Aly’s been having second thoughts about boyfriend Yonn:
The following are photos hacked from Wolodarski’s personal hard drive, many of which incriminate her in otherwise unsolved cases of vandalism and debauchery spanning from her hometown of Hamilton to all across the globe.
First, a picture of Aly breaking into the Leaping Hope horse farm of Hamilton, PA on the night that four of the farm’s prize racing horses were let loose, one of which was severely injured by a spiral staircase. To date nobody has been prosecuted for the crime.
Next, several photos linking Aly to the largest flood in Clampton County, PA history. See here in the pictures as Wolodarski revels at her part in the disaster, which wound up taking the lives of five county residents.
Lastly, the picture I’m sure the filmqueen wanted kept under wraps the most. A photo so risque we have to censor part of it here. In it, is Miss Wolodarski, fully nude, with a biker gang, tossing clouds of drugs in the air like Lebron James, on the middle of the dance floor in a sauxy night club. Hardly the stuff of an innocent high schooler. We warn you, the following image is graphic.
And there you have it world, the Darskening. Our team is still working on decrypting what’s either a sex tape or a bootlegged version of the Cameron Dingaz film Wolodarski had illegally downloaded. Follow us on the Darskening forum for any further updates and hack jobs.