Trump Executes Last African Rhino to Celebrate Cruz Exit
NEW YORK, NY — No one stages a finale like Donald Trump.
The real estate mogul and future President has a legendary knack for pageantry. Yet Mr. Trump trumped even himself at the Trump Tower in New York on Wednesday, when he ended an entire species to the cheers of thousands of supporters.
Capping off a fiery campaign speech, he touted on everything from his “Great Wall of Mexico” to the “mustard-y shmutz” that Ted Cruz has left on the race in his leaving, and “literally all of his debate podiums.”
“Seriously. I’ve seen it. He’s like that Swamp Thing,” he continued. “Aren’t we lucky he decided to crawl back to his muckhut with those little gremlin daughters of his?!” The crowd erupted.
Mr. Trump then motioned his campaign staff to trot a special guest out onstage: a live, 3-ton rhinoceros.
“Now, I know that this, like all of my important ideas, may raise some hairs. Mostly Bernie Sanders’,” the mogul said, making kooky clown faces and crazy loop signs at his ears while pantomiming an old man, to roaring laughter and applause.
“But as you all know, Commander in Chief is a very serious position. Huge. Big time. So he better do big time stuff.”
The Donald was then handed a machete and, after displaying it gloriously to his fawning admirers for over five minutes, passed it off to a small Vietnamese girl. The girl, no more than eight years of age, meticulously slit the endangered rhino’s throat, dousing the first few rows of Trump supporters in a geyser of blood. No plastic was provided. And whatever last, pitiful cries the beast made were completely lost to the crowd’s roaring delight.
The rhino in question was an African black rhinoceros–or Diceros bicornis–a massive, throbbing and majestic beast that once roamed much of the African continent. Due to the species’ noted inflexibility, it’s been unable to keep pace with today’s volatile male enhancement market, let alone a sexed-up American populace high on the Donald’s “do anything” brass balls.
Scientists and conservation organizations believe the species to now be extinct.
“We’re pretty sure that was the last one,” said a distraught Arthur Liverwurst, the head of Save Them All Rhinow (STARh), an LA-based conservation organization. “Quite frankly, we haven’t even tried to find any more. I don’t think I could take losing another…”
That dour mood didn’t extend to Manhattan.
“Hillary WISHES she could pull off this look!” Trump gloated as he debuted the giant pachyderm’s carcass draped over his wife Melania’s shoulders like a bloody mink to the ocean of cheering supporters.
Donald Trump. Making America great again, one extinction at a time.