Gates Erects Erection Effigy, Quote: “We’ve Waited Long Enough”

SEATTLE, WA— The man behind the Microsoft last night unveiled the much-hyped “secret announcement” teased at the start of the company’s annual SoftTech Convention last week.

Gates made an appearance before a sold out CenturyLink Field late Saturday night, accompanied by none other than Master Chef and “Beast Mode” himself, Marshawn Lynch.

“We know you’ve been wowed by the footage for “Halo: Fappening Rises,” and that several of you were hospitalized by the ‘virtual’ reality gameplay of Madden ‘16: Full Contact,” Gates said with a wink to Lynch, “But we’ve got something big.”

Then with a flash, Master Chef turned toward the jumbotron behind them and blasted the words “SECRET ANNOUNCEMENT” into the screen with his long range plasma pistol. The entire crowd, at once, cheered, then fell into an awed silence. Gates continued: “SoftWorld… I give you… the secret announcement.”

Dubstep sensation SlizPannieZ dropped a crunchy beat as crews waved in a UH-144 Falcon hauling a monstrous shrouded object. A countdown began. “3…” the crowd slowly chanted with bated breath, “2…” Gates closed his eyes, “1.”

The curtain dropped, and before the entire Microsoft kingdom, stood a 12-foot tall exact replica statue of Bill Gates’ erect penis penetrating a PC hard drive we can now confirm is a 1996 Windows model. The crowd exploded into the most joyous celebration since probably the Yub Yub jubilee of Endor in 4 ABY.

The new statue is the result of five tireless years of work from the magicians at WETA Workshop. Dana Lownes, Head Effects Sculptor on the project, sat down with press at the unveiling.

“We used the same technology for Gollum,” Lownes informed. “And Andy actually helped loads with the expression and movement for the statue. We’ve been blessed.”

Serkis was in attendance, along with some of Hollywood’s brightest, but the biggest surprise for most, by far, was an appearance from the force ghost of former Apple CEO Steve Jobs.

“There’s a bigger force at work than any differences between Bill and myself,” the presumed Jedi Master said. “I wouldn’t have missed this for the world. The statue is simply beautiful.”