#GiveThemOurGirls: BP Trades 500 Girls for Good Land

LAGOS, NIGERIA– In a landmark deal this week, British Petroleum has negotiated the purchase of 200 acres of oil rich land from a Nigerian jihadist warlord in exchange for 500 prepubescent girls.

“Not since the purchase of the isle of Manhattan has a land grab gone so advantageously for one party,” said BP spokesman Tony Kelly. “It really is a win for the entire industry. I guarantee you we’ll start seeing several copycat deals in the next few years. Months even.”

BP executives were inspired by the viral campaign #bringbackourgirls, launched in response to the kidnapping of around 276 African schoolgirls by the terrorist group Boko Haram back in April. Celebrities and non-famous twitterers alike selflessly took to the internet taking selfies of themselves with the hashtag. And despite nearly a month and of a half of patting themselves on the back, the campaign ultimately failed to bring back our girls.

“My daughter showed me that hashtag and I said “Wow, Caitlin, that is really something.” But then I actually looked at what she showed me and, it was like a lightbulb went off,” BP CFO Dr. Bill Grivens gushed. “We had no idea the people in control of the land we wanted would have any interest in this sort of exchange. And we thought, well this might be an easy way to get some very valuable land at no cost to us. All in all, the deal couldn’t have worked out better for our corporation. Really, it was a steal.”

The mood was light at the ceremonial exchange as the warlord’s child soldiers shot celebratory bursts of gunfire from their AK-47s and BP execs cut a red ribbon with a comically large pair of golden scissors.

The 500 girls of  course, were transported in a windowless truck to their final destination earlier in the week.

Although many are praising this deal as a ground-breaking transaction, economics experts have informed Borfes that this is actually a fairly old practice with a mere modern twist. “Actually,” said professor Milton Werner, “The exchange of women for goods is a tried and true economic device. We’ve been trading young girls for real wealth for centuries, and will, one hopes, continue doing so for the rest of our time on this glorious earth.”