NEW YORK, NY– It pains us here at Borfes to inform our readers that famed and beloved comic and cartoon character Charlie Brown, of the long-loved ‘Peanuts’ series, has been beheaded in a video depicting angered terrorists reaffirming their declaration of war against the world of comic strips.
Far too graphic for general consumption, the footage shows Brown paraded in a black hood as his assailants shout garbled chants of “nothing is forgiven” and “the dog is next,” before laboriously hacking away at his neck with a butter knife. Torrential waves of blood and tissue gush from the wound until the head is fully removed and used as a soccer ball for upwards of ten minutes. In one of the more enjoyable scenes, one skillful terrorboy scores a breathtaking bicycle kick with the depressed elementary schoolers’ head (view here).
The video ends with the beheaders stating “no cartoon is safe,” springing immediate uproars in the community. Dilbert and Cathy have been placed under heavy surveillance, and neither Mallard Fillmore nor his reps could be found for comments, stirring rumors that the aviad politico has gone into hiding.
Our hearts go out to those closest to Charlie Brown, despite many of whom claiming to not even be bothered by the loss. One who surely is, Brown’s mother, called for privacy in this time of great grief, stating “WOH WOH, WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH.” Truer words may never be spoken.
From the entire Borfes staff, we would simply like to say: Rest in Peanuts, Charlie Brown.