HEALTH ALERT!

COVID-19 Wonderdrug Swings to Bring Market to Its Knees

Amid the wave of COVID-19 research, a drug company has stumbled upon an unexpected find. Plexor Pharmaceutical has received FDA approval to produce their newest drug– Getmiatacorintine, available by prescription starting in May.

This wonderdrug is thought to cure ignorance without the need for effort. The company is looking to see a strong portion of the entire pharmaceutical market share for at least the next three quarters, despite accruing losses for two years running.

While ignorance is not clinically recognized as a psychological disorder yet, Plexor is attempting to make it so. “Being that there now exists a product to cure it, we must now make it a clinical disorder,” cited one press release from Plexor. That is how the market works… Getmiatacorintine could conceivably create a whole new niche of pharmaceuticals combating psychological disorders— or is it, psychological-combating pharmaceutical disorders? You decide.

Since the pill requires no effort to continue one’s education or pay attention to the world around them, patients are able to overcome their ignorance simply by ingesting 15mg of this drug in the morning and night each day. The only known side effects include: dizziness, headache, diarrhea, drowsiness, Xerostomia, fatigue, anxiety, nausea, confusion, lightheadedness, hallucination, vomiting, insomnia, abdominal pain, sleepwalking, withdrawal, tolerance, respiratory depression, nocturnal sleep-related eating disorder, memory impairment, skin rash, weight gain, insomnia, increased appetite, decreased appetite, decreased libido, coma and, in some severe cases, death. Somehow it’s all worth it, now that you’re not a dipshit anymore.

One employee in middle-management at Plexor confided, “We had an earlier discovery of a drug that cured laziness, but once the patients weren’t lazy anymore they no longer purchased their pills. And the ones who were too lazy to take them, were also too lazy to buy them. We couldn’t sell it, so we buried the project.” The matter is currently under investigation. Sources inside Plexor Pharmaceutical speculate the remaining stock of that drug was cached in an underground vault and is continually administered to employees in various nefarious ways.

The CEO of Plexor, who wished to remain anonymous, is really just hoping Getmiatacorintine will help them turn a profit so they can pay their lawyers. All this aside, such a drug could be so revolutionary that this stands to be the next company to toss your pennies at on into the spring. The very least you could do is start taking this pill instead of the blue one you’re used to.