Help Not Wanted: A Comedy Business Insight

No Room For Humor Amid the Ludicrousness of Reality

A Zephyr Morgan Report

PHILADELPHIA, PA– In the parlance of our times, an election year is the stuff of gold for comedy. Comedians wait on the toilet paper and bread lines of history for the quadrennial presidential selection of the United States with such desperate hunger, they may as well be actual toilet paper and bread lines.

And so this year the United States plods deeply into yet another election cycle. It should be gold. It should be a cakewalk— for comedians, not the candidates.

Though, most comedians are stumped. It seems today, most any avenue of humor borders so closely on utter sadness and despair, one comedian, who wished to remain nameless (so we’ll just call him “Lenis Deary”), expressed, “Truly, the American public is witnessing the punchline before the joke. I can’t even drink enough to make it funny.”

Eric Andre has tried his best to make a buck or two at the National Conventions. However, it seems that despite his knack at pulling a laugh out of anyone’s goatse, his only lane for some cash was an answer to call for “tall, dark and handsome” from a well-known candidate. He seized the opportunity with the Hillary, and honestly, I wasn’t laughing, I was jealous.

Popular funnyman-who-should-still-be-allowed-to-be-funny Steven Colbert also experienced the woes of trying to make this election year funny, despite not being able to do so in regular years every day since his arrival at CBS (NYSE:CBS). His clout and mainstream network appeal allowed him full access to everything except Hillary’s dick. Touche Andre. (I’d hit that, too.) Ultimately discouraged and running out of work, Colbert confided off-the-record to this ethicless reporter, “The well’s run dry. Honest. It’s not my new contract or censorship. The business has just up and left us! America will be sucking the Presidential cock by January 20th either way. They’ve already started. Next it’ll be Comedy Central Presents: Donald Trump.”

Jay Leno quoted (I think it was) Shakespeare when he said, “‘Should we have an election of jesters, the comedians shall drown in the wake.'” He then added, “I’m glad I never had to do that shit. Comedy, not Shakespeare. Do you want any of this?” To which I replied, “No, I think when I do that, it’s considered abuse. I’ve read several reports currently circulating news sources that say that.”

The cold, hard truth of the matter is not Hillary’s schlong, it’s not Donald Trump’s shriveled scrotum of a face, it’s that the American people need to laugh. We need whole-hearted, ignorant laughter. It’s the American way. And if politicians or real-life horrible absurdity is where they’re getting it, then, like any bull market, the jobs are going to be outsourced.

While Richard Prior was unavailable for comment on the matter for some reason, he has bestowed upon us the wisdom of how to create laughter from an election year that appears to have become a barren source. His Montgomery Brewster once urged us to vote “None of the Above.” And why shouldn’t we?

Join Richard Prior, join me, join John Candy and the host of other Americans voting “None of the Above” in November. Maybe we can finally get our comedy business back and elect one quality joke, instead of choosing between two very sad, mediocre jokes.