As the founder and CEO of my company, I have no time for the indulgences of the common American teenager. I treat the hobbies of drugs, love and companionship as a cancer, that will only eat away at my business drive. Yet inevitably, some well-intentioned old dope will tell me things like, “Keithy, you have such a keen business-sense and old-school work ethic, I can’t believe you’re a Millennial just like my deadbeat son!”, or “Keithy, I doubled my profits last quarter thanks to you, and now I can pay for my daughter who’s your age to go to Pottery College!”
The fact that my parents eloped in the 90’s does not associate me with the Millennial generation. My only friends are the old-timers at the Knights of Columbus in Gravesend, and Harold, who documents my life, so he’s really more of my employee. Despite this, Borfes Magazine insists that I am their go-to voice for this oft-maligned generation of teet-clingers, maybe because I’ll turn 18 soon.
I typically wouldn’t indulge anyone in the topic of young people and my being one, but Borfes has helped me a great deal in my career, so I owe them. And entrepreneurs who don’t pay their debts end up in the river.
I did a little digging into the traits of my generation, and one of the first articles I found was in some rag called Forbes.com. They made an article out a of a numerical list (just use paragraphs and cut out the numbers, Einsteins), and not one of their claims about millennials pertained to me personally.
Forbes first claims, “Millennials expect technology to simply work, so you’d better make sure that it does”. Now as a website designer and visionary, I can’t help but feel the writer is taking a jab right at me here. Simply work? Nothing, especially technology, simply works. Plus, people find these mild inconveniences charming, a reminder of why we’re better than snarky robots. Fruit tastes better when you grow it yourself, and apps are more enjoyable when they lag and crash a bit. Besides, doesn’t slower download time give young people more opportunity to make love to each other, the way they like to do?
I wish the article ended there, but it was titled as “5 Things”, so I knew I had to hold my bladder and ready myself for four more litter box ideas. “Millennials are a social generation, and they socialize while consuming (and deciding to consume) your products and services.” The only company this could possibly apply to is a Pizza parlor, and I’m pretty sure young people have socialized over a slice and soda for decades now. Hey Forbes, you realize older people socialize over dinner as well, right? Heck, sometimes Carmine will order a large pie to the KOC hall and give me a slice free of charge, just cause I’m good company!
According to the slick, turtle-necked author of this riveting piece of journalism, I also like to “collaborate with other millennials, and when possible, with brands.” Because who better to collaborate with than young people who know nothing?!? Why don’t I just give half my shares of donebykeithy.com to my brother Danny and see how fast he can liquidate it to buy Percocets!!!
I am a brand, and I don’t want to associate with anything about a person but their wallet, because cash is quiet!
“They’re looking for adventure (and whatever comes their way).”-Forbes writer and Invalid.
Apparently this Forbes is a business site. Well they should call it a Monkey Business site with the types of economic falsehoods they’re espousing (sorry to make jokes, but I feel like a little levity is good sometimes). Businessmen do not want adventure, they want the surest thing possible. If you’ve ever seen a man wind-surf, then you’ve just seen a man with no retirement plan. I will deal with whatever comes my way, as any great leader would do, but to look for it is the past time of an oaf!
“They’re passionate about values–including the values of companies they do business with.”
I’m passionate about values. Three to be exact. The value of a dollar, the value of a dollar against Chinese currency, and the value of charming old people and letting them know things will be alright after they’re gone. I’m not sure what values other Millennials have left after all their makeout sessions, but if they’re trying to align themselves with my company, alls I can say is: Wear my shirt, but know whose logo is on the front! If what this Forbes vegetable is telling me is that teens and 20-somethings want to know the cash value of my company, then the answer is you’ll find out when I go public, you hoodlums!
Keithy Wysnowski is a 17 year old business entrepreneur from Gravesend, Brooklyn and the star of hit business webseries Done by Keithy.