PHOENIX, AZ– On Thursday, Governor Jan Brewer signed a sweeping extension for Arizona’s abortion ban into action, proving once again that no government can regulate a woman’s body more effectively than small government. “Today Arizona does the Lord’s work,” beamed Gov. Brewer as she scrawled the bill’s bottom with her signature smiley face doodle.
The motion broadens the state’s abortion prohibition to include a fetal type known medically as a “rectopic pregnancy.” Co-author Dr. Jimmy Whitnits, of the Biblical College of Scottsdale Science at ASU, says this rare intra-colonic embryo may spontaneously coalesce from “mass quantities of fecal material, into a potentially-living thing.”
“These ‘food babies’ are what you ate,” gushes Dr. Whitnits, an expert on rectopic pregnancies and a part-time competitive eater. “But they’re more than that, too. If brought to term, they can and will grow to be God-fearing conservatives, just like you and I.”
The extension criminalizes termination — whether through surgery, suction, or defecation — of all rectopic pregnancies heavier than 3 pounds, and imposes a mandatory 15-year minimum sentence on all convicted offenders. After a food baby hits 3 pounds, the bill elucidates, it is considered “biologically viable,” and must therefore be brought to term for at least six months — even in cases of danger to the mother’s health.
Though state Democrats fiercely contested the bill through committee, Republicans dragged it to and through the floor, then across it like an itching dog, after backdoor consultations with several moderates.
In the wake of Brewer’s signing, protesters from both sides of the issue thronged the Capitol building’s steps to make their voices heard.
“What the hell is wrong with you people?” bemoaned local activist Hillary Hambrew, wincing with growing discomfort as she addressed her fellow pro-choice advocates. “Do you seriously believe this is sound science? I ate Chipotle for lunch! You’ve gotta be shitting me!”
“If my momma had shit me, I wouldn’t be here today,” proclaims Smitty McGutherie from the opposing rally some 150 feet away. The president of Don’t Squat It Out, a national nonprofit, McCutherie believes every life is precious — regardless which orifice birthed it. “I was a Thanksgiving baby. And yes, I am a food baby. My father was a turkey leg, three fishsticks, and half a slice o’ sweet potato pie. And distinguished members of the House, food babies is about to get their due.”
While the ACLU has declared that they’ll bring their opposition to the bill before the courts, Arizona Republicans appear unfazed. Capping her pen, Gov. Brewer concluded, “After today, I hope the only babies getting flushed down a bowl will be those godless Quackers from Duke University. Go Sun Devils!”
Let’s hear it for the heroes of Arizona for sacrificing this metaphoric calf. Praise Jesus Lord, Lamb and Holy Otter.