NEW YORK, NY — Earlier this month, rap phenomenon and voice of a generation Kanye West gazed upon the internet as one of his many Cantonese handmaidens scrolled through images on a wall-sized touch screen, in which time he saw a doctored photo of himself, kissing a Kardashian version of himself.
After an initially sober reaction, a few moments’ consideration sent the lyrical genius into a verbal and rhythmic tantrum to the point of hospitalization. It was there that the Yeezus creator was told by a team of doctors, that he had permanently lost his sense of humor.
Making an announcement from a dimly lit abandoned warehouse amongst seventy-seven women wearing only flesh-toned scarves, West publicly addressed the subject this morning. “I was shocked, honestly,” said Chi-town’s finest. “This has been one of the most serious things that’s ever happened to me. I’m pretty sure. I mean, it could be hilarious, but I wouldn’t know. Because I can’t.”
Doctor Alice Hobbes of Columbia-Presbyterian elaborated, “We see this thing going back to even before South Park called him a gay fish. Our main worry now is that we may have caught it too late.”
Showing great strength in this time of adversity, West used the announcement to reveal plans for his eighth studio album, titled Medical Condition. “The pain I feel and the daily struggle this causes… probably only Beyonce can understand.”
But where Yeezy turns lemons into record sales, average Americans are missing the joke. Thanks to a new provision of the Affordable Care Act, a loss of humorous sensibilities may not even be a covered condition for most insurance providers. Their logic? A clause in post-diagnosis questionnaires, positing that, in the event of being denied coverage by a provider, clients “unable to appreciate the irony of the situation” revoke any possibility of coverage.
“I didn’t mean to say it was ‘funny,’” Ross Pardeu of Perdue, ID told us after falling prey himself to this beautiful dark twisted syndrome. “I just meant that, y’know, it’d be – uh – quirky or something, to not be covered for a serious medical condition that has permanently affected my ability to laugh. That’s what irony is, right? I don’t even have the words.”
The real question remains, how does this affect Kanye West? When pressed about the possible insurance struggles lying ahead West replied, “Bringing this affliction to the world’s view is simply one more first I am tasked with being first at.”
Others though, are taking offense to this claim, and quickly. Moments after the reveal, @PuzBoyTebow twaated “I lost my sense of humor YEARS before yeezus! #CollegeCopOut.” Another, Christina Cullen of Jamestown, VA said, “Kanye I’m real sorry for you, and I’ma buy your album, but I HAVEN’T HAD MY SENSE OF HUMOR FOR A LONG TIME!!”
Weighing in on the severity of the situation, presumed asexual librarian Beck said something. But our team weren’t really listening as we thought we might miss something said by Mr. West.
All we can do now is wait, and tirelessly pour over social media and tabloid publications until we’re granted the privilege to pay good money for new things from our faithful Yeeader. Pray to him, that he may overcome this most ghastly disease.