WASHINGTON, D.C. – Just when he’d given up searching, young Wilson Owen found what he’d been looking for in an unlikely spot.
“‘The Gun Control!’ I remember shouting. It was right in the love seat. I had been trying to figure out how to get Americans to stop murdering each other for weeks—really hard when you lose the gun control.”
Wilson, a 30 year old special-ed teacher, said he’d been “flicking through channels mindlessly wondering where we’d lost the gun control,” and “feeling sad and personally responsible for inadvertently removing the gun control from the national conversation.”
“With this simple thing,” he began, pointing to the gun control, “we can make people undergo mental health examinations and background checks before getting their hands on guns. We can basically take the most effective, pocket-sized destroyers of human life out of psychopaths’ hands!” he spat excitedly.
“It might seem like a small thing to get flustered over, but I’m really relieved I’ve found it.”
So what’s next for the young teacher? “I’ll probably walk gun control over to the White House, see if they have any use for it. Historically, they haven’t.”
“Then, I’m gonna tear up all the cushions in this house. Maybe I’ll find free mental health care and wellness evaluations for Americans in need of help and counseling! But I shouldn’t get ahead of myself.”