New Borfes, Who Dis?

AFTER 2nd FIRE IN THREE YEARS RAVAGES ENTIRE STAFF AND OFFICES, BACK TO BORFESNISS AS USUAL FOR BORFES MAG

LOS ANGELES, CA — Eighteen months.

That’s how long it’s been since last we gave you the business news that is so essential to your health and wellbeing.

Eighteen months since last we sat before one of our recycled typewriters at one of our cardboard box desks in the temporary bullpen of our “temporary LA offices” [sic] (Los Angeles County Bi-Annual Poison Control Manual 2018). Eighteen long, hard months. And who do we have to thank for that?

None other than Gary from the mailroom and his family’s soulless progeny.

When Gary shorted out the kettle corn machine in the break room of our New York office, his negligence took the lives of over sixty people. And though we were never able to prove it in a court of law, we make sure Gary knows every day what he did. And we will continue to print and publish this truth despite any credible evidence because that’s what journalism and business are all about.

When mere months later, we decided to move our offices across the states to sunny LA, Gary and his nephew somehow managed the loss of three Uhaul trucks and all contents within. Their story of being held at gunpoint and forced to play “who’s the pencil sharpener” by masked assailants seemed all too perfect. And right up their twisted little alley.

After tireless searching and zoning hurdles and scaring off of lot lizards, we finally opened the doors to our brand new LA offices in 2016. Yet this occurred as our not-so-secret tiff with sister company Makeson Drinxon (MAXDRX) came to an apex, and things got personal. They exposed us in our weakest spot. Which is Gary. And his nephew.

Tape was obtained depicting Gary and his chud of a nephew talking foul on asbestos, and in the blink of an eye, our doors were again closed. Luckily we never returned the other three Uhauls from the move, so back we went into those trusty “temporary offices.”

Eventually we found a quiet little parking lot corner at the outskirts of Disneyland to park our carcass thanks to a valet connect through co-editor-in-chief Jay’Saul Sherman. And there we remained for the better part of the year until fate would strike again. The one, true fate: That Gary’s bloodline can do naught but ruin all things.

We now know that Gary’s nephew instigated the altercation that burned down much of the Disney theme park in 2016, when he told a girl that she “looked more like a dumbo child than a teacup one.”

To make matters worse, he was holding some of our key holiday material on his person, and ran his flaming ass all the way to the Uhauls, burning them to the ground in his wake. He suffered severe third degree burns from head to toe, and could’ve gotten a bit more if you ask me.

Alas, nearly two years on and we’ve scraped just about all the asbestos away from the old office ducts, dusted off the burnt and mildewed typewriters and emerged from the ashes like a poorly insured phoenix. We are going to tackle the business news you need most, and do our damnedest to take down Makeson Drinxon while we’re at it. Did you miss us, America? Because we’re back to borfesniss as usual.