One Fish, Two Fish, Catfish’ed ‘hooFish

Alibaba CEO Discovered to Be Catfishing 15-Year-Old Girl. Yahoo Could Care Less.

NEW YORK, NY– Since news landed this week on Yahoo (YHOO.O)’s tax-free spin off of their current 15 percent stake in Chinese e-commerce group and quickly evolving Pokemon Alibaba (BABA.N), the companies have come under a fair skin of scrutiny. Amidst the torrent of heavy research and petting tirelessly undertaken by the best team in businews here at Borfes, the true identity of the mind, and gills, behind one of the fastest growing groups in business history was uncovered.

Ali Baballardo, a then-fifteen-year-old girl living with her mother in the suburbs of Baltimore, Maryland, got the idea when she was perusing popular auction site eBay (EBAY.N) after discovering her social media photos being used by a 40-year-old catfish man in Wisconsin.

“Yeah, it was a few years back now. Found some dude pretending he was me on chatrooms. And I was like ‘Hell no. Fuck outta here fish.’ Then I’m up on eBay and can’t find shit and I’m like, ‘Shit, I could do this. Be some Chinese fish dude and make a eBay kinda thing.’ And that’s when I came up with Jack Ma.”

Since then, Baballardo, now 30, has amassed a community of commerce companies and sites under the Alibaba Group umbrella worth somewhere in the range of $230 billion, all under the catfish’ed guise of Jack Ma.

When Yahoo sold stakes in Alibaba back to the company in 2008, they thought they were catching a marlin, despite shouts to the contrary from then-executive Jerry Yang. The stocks were sold, Alibaba soared, and Yahoo plummeted. And it’s no surprise Yang is now a Board member at the Chinese mega-fish firm. “I have to admit, when I first found out Jack was a young girl, it kind of blew my mind. But I thought, ‘Most of the team over at Yahoo read at a high school level anyways,’ so I got used to it pretty quickly.”

And now those Hooked on Phonics over at Yahoo are coming back crawling to their old fishing hole. And they couldn’t be phased. “Yeah, I just heard the news this morning,” Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer told Borfes. “At this point, it wouldn’t matter if Jack was a one-eyed, paralyzed dog strapped to the back of a pedophile,” she chuckled nervously, an air of stale menthol creeping from behind her trembling lips.

This was a woman on the edge. And shall surely remain so until the smoke of a thousand thieves clears her beleaguered camps and remedial English rooms. Until then, it seems “Jack Ma” might be gone fishin’ with Ali Baballardo. Or perhaps, it’s the other way around…