On Making Love to Pizza

INDIANAPOLIS, IND- Last week, Memories Pizza in Walkerton became Indiana’s first business to publicly utilize the state’s controversial new religious freedom legislation, stating, “If a gay couple came in and wanted us to provide pizzas for their wedding, we would have to say no.” The “Gay Pizza” controversy that followed prompted owners Kevin and Crystal O’Connor to shut down their family eatery.

While many news outlets have covered the public outcry on both sides of the “Gay Pizza” debate, the focus has remained largely on religion. However, here at Borfes, we leave doctrine to the devout, and stick to numbers and rock hard science. So for this journalist the real question this whole debacle raises is quite evident. Can Pizza be actively Homosexual?

Though it may initially seem unorthodox to label a bread pie covered in dairy and tomato paste “gay,” it is not so ludicrous a notion once one anal-eyeses it slice by slice.

Can a man or woman make love to a pizza? The simple answer is yes. Whether you make an incision in the bread, or determine to wrap a selection of pie around your desired orifice, there’s no doubt that an able-bodied man could climax with a Pizza Partner. As for lesbianism, whether it is a firm handful of crust, or a slice folded over stromboli style, there are countless ways to “heat things up” with a Neopolitan that many would argue are comparable, if not preferable to a conventional female partner.  What’s more, if one is to include the pizza box and other accoutrements, such as the tiny table, under the Gay Pizza umbrella, then one of these couples would really be “cooking with fire,” so to speak.

Sexual desire, while limitless, is a very real biological fact. People can endlessly debate the day-to-day life of the Gay Pizza couple, but that is a matter of perspective, not science. A few anecdotes about a degenerate gay pizza topped with narcotics and soliciting sex from honor students does not the whole pie make! So when that illicit gay pizza stereotype slides off the plate, inevitably the next argument is about child rearing. We can be somewhat sure that a man can not procreate with an Italian dish cooked in an oven, but in 2015 can we really deny a couple’s legitimacy because of their inability to create life? Many women are barren, but do we chastise such couples, when–point in fact– inseminating your infertile wife is the exact same thing as inseminating a pizza?

When questioned about the possibility of Gay Deep Dish, Rutgers Biology Professor Dana Summer responded, “Dairy does contain bacteria, a living organism. One could argue by that logic that the cheese on pizza does make it a living organism, as well. I would never judge anyone on the basis of orientation, so I suppose I would welcome a gay pizza/man couple in my home, as long as they share a slice! (Laughs)”

Though we failed to see the amusing side of encouraged adultery, Professor Summer did raise a fair, if callous, point about relationships between people and pizza. When he “joked” about forcing a three-way on his guests, he was confirming that even though pizza can be actively homosexual, many humans don’t really care about those distinctions in their food, those same distinctions that have crippled the human Gay community since it’s inception, some time in the late eighties.

In 1953 Dean Martin said, “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s Amore!” With all that’s going on today, we now know the truth. Dino, like so many pizzagay midwesterners, was really just trying to say, “Hey! I love fucking pizza!”

Let’s hope Memories’ ‘are made of these’ before it’s too late.