Putin to NATO: “Eat My Frozen Shit.”

MOSCOW, RUS — In a televised speech Friday, President Vladimir Putin expressed his displeasure with Ukraine’s continuing overtures to NATO. Addressing the world from his desk at the Kremlin, Putin vowed that Russia would never allow itself to be isolated “like child embraced by decadent Western pedophile.” He went on to order 1,500 Russian troops to “not not advance” into areas of civil unrest across Ukraine’s eastern border.

“For too long West has meddled in affairs of Russian-speaking people,” Putin went on to declare. “We will not allow Ukraine to become salivating bitch-boy to NATO. Now look this.”

At his beckoning, a staffer proceeded to place a large bowl of steaming white powder before Putin. “This mixture of dry ice and cocaine,” the Russian head of state explained while digging his hands into the bowl. “Only strongest men can endure. In Russia we call it… ‘Winter.’” Putin then punctuated his statement by splashing fistfuls of the powder over his face and neck, a freshening up.

While the speech received widespread applause within Russia, Western reactions have proved divided.

“He must back down,” warns Ivanovonov Yvgvgyny. The managing director of Washington, D.C.’s Amero-Russo Cooperative Initiative, Yvgvgyny sees Putin’s antics as the theatrics of a man cornered. “Is like old saying with grandmother and big, hairy wolf,” he reflects gravely. “Putin tickle below waist so wolf does not reveal red sputnik and eat him.”

Derek Striker, of American Foreign Defense Solutions, feels differently. “This winter-dousing lunatic is sitting on the Earth’s second largest nuclear stockpile. If we don’t continue to press, we could end up back in a Cold War. I mean, that winter stuff looks cold. Four letters: U.S.S.A. –We’re one consonant away from destruction.”

Whatever the answer, Putin’s position is certainly clear. “If NATO tries to take Ukraine, I will club them like seal and wear them like coat,” concluded the Russian president, as he cleared the powder from his face with licked wrist and paw like a cat presiding. “This is promise.”