Satellite diagnostics reporters from the Department of Global Tracking and Positioning reported today that the Russian Soyouz rocket is in fact not bound for its first intended destination the International Space Station (ISS), but in fact is barreling back to the Earth’s surface. Straight for the IS.
According to Russian Intelligence there was a grave calculation error made that is now resulting in the possible conclusion of affording the terrorist group the Islamic State with supplies that will sustain them with many more months of supplies, and plenty of technological equipment that would fetch millions on the black market.
When asked about the specifics of the mistakes made, reports from Moscow are saying that the entire blame can fall on one man. Greigorin Vlepiskia. The chief technician, charged with the entering of coordinates for the ships destination. “You know when you type a letter and your finger kinda twitches and you think you hit the key twice, but you totally didn’t? Basically, yeah.” Reports Vlepiskia. “I must have totally just typed one S instead of two. Honest mistake.”
We haven’t heard from him since, as Greigorin has been missing since this morning. Russian President Vladimir Putin has made an announcement, moments after the scientist allegedly vanished, that he and his crack team of super sleuths, and his dog Sabaka (exact translation into English, is dog) are on the case. “We have a pretty big work load with our other cases, but I think we’ll find our man.”
Meanwhile in the Middle East, Iraq has dispatched Kurdish forces to try and intercept the plummeting package before the IS lay their hands on it. The bid for the rocket is highly contested in the region, but it looks like it is headed straight for the terrorist cell.
Officials from the DGTP are now investigating into why exactly the Russian Federal Space Agency would even have logged in coordinates for the IS. “Surely you can’t just type in those letters and safely deliver a rocket to the enemy like that, I mean, that’s fucking stupid.” Said DGTP representative Luke Skywatcher.
Vladimir Putin swiftly responded by donning his deerstalker cap and calabash pipe. “I’ll take the case,” He said.