EAST HAMPTON, NY — With New York’s wave of rising property taxes crashing over the ever-battered shores of National collagen memorial the Hamptons, everyone’s clean famous man Jerry Seinfeld is looking to buff a scratch out of his wealth.
In addition to his Hampton estate, Seinfeld lays claim to properties in Manhattan, Telluride, Los Angeles, and Marrakech, as well as several refugee bunkers across the coasts of Delamoure. But, as it would appear, even the unattainable demigods of modern Western civilization suffer from the economic downturns plighting us all.
Seinfeld, in an aim to keep the Hampton home to his name, has just signed over a two-year lease to Gil Longholm and Stephen Eldridge, owners of gay swing club ‘Out of Cuntrol.’
“Gil and I are so, so, so, so, SO happy to have this wonderful man in Jerry Seinfeld offering over his wunderful home for us and our wanderful clientele to ruthlessly plunder ourselves in! And to any new cummers who will no doubt wuhnderfully cum a long thanks to this wunterful new location, Gil, Jerry and myself say ‘Enjoy the dick!’” said Eldridge of the acquisition.
“This is the kinda fuck pad wet dreams are made of,” asserted Longholm.
The lease, which starts on February 14th, will run for two years with an add-on option of two at the mid-lease point. Seinfeld looks set to gain upwards of $3,000,000 when all is said and done.
“I couldn’t be happier,” the ‘Comedians in Cars’ comedian stated. “Billy Joel used to own this place.”