“Sex Sells:” Illicit Funds Could Be Albania’s Golden Ticket Into EU
TIRANA, ALBANIA– Since the year 2000—when Albania was officially earmarked as a “potential candidate” for acceptance into the European Union—the fledgling Balkan nation has bent itself over a bench in the hopes of joining the ranks of Europe’s upper crust. But given the already depleting interest rates in the region, Albanian officials realize that they can not enter the bath house of their compatriots meekly.
“To be a candidate country means that we have to work even harder. We cannot lean back confidently,” Albania’s EU integration minister, Klajda Gjosha, told Borfes. Though Albania’s recognized GDP stands in the ball park of $12.9 Billion USD, Gjosha claims the country earns triple that marked revenue in “drugged-out pussy.”
He is, of course, referring to the billions of dollars that circulate the country annually through sex trafficking. Officials estimate that in 2013, over 600,000 women and 25 men were well-drugged and banged out good within the nation’s borders. And that figure doesn’t even include the countless coeds who were merely auctioned off in Albania, only to be dug out sexy in another land.
This would be the first time in EU history that a country’s bid for recognition would include earnings based on the free trade of sex slaves-—a fervent point of contention for both current and aspiring members of the union.
Said one delegate from Iceland, a fellow candidate, “Iceland is appalled at not only the proposal from the Albanian government but at the European council for even entertaining it. It is decidedly unfair, as we were not made aware that illicit sex revenue could count towards our GDP until today.”
“Do we really want to share a currency with these people?” asks Joseph Fieldling, UK’s ambassador to Belgium. “I mean, their money must be filthy. Sticky, at the least.”
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