“What it Doo”
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, UNKNOWN– Darkness lingers. A cloak. My dagger. Doors, still locked. My chain. My burden.
Paper’s only good now for shoring up the windows. News is dead. Long time now. Toe up with the rest of them.
This is my world. This is my reality.
Why am I here? When some Borfes phony came knocking round my door to catch a whiff of the clean air—The real stuff. The Stinkmaster General. —Why did I not do what most would expect and tell ‘em to stuff it where the sun don’t shine? In his butt? Well, for one, he was a lady. And for two, although, yes, I never do what most expect, that’s not why I didn’t do what they didn’t expect this time. For two, I’ll tell you why I’m here:
Because It’s time to take it back.
All of it.
The news, and the media, and the governments, and the liberal hippie cornholes and conservative nutjob skidmarks have had their time on the toilet. And now we have to deal with the weird warm seat.
This is why I agreed to this sporadic, at-my-leisure-whenever-I-please column with Borfes. Because Spivvy, and the Odor Eaters of the world, are NOT dung beetles, despite our many sloped shoulders and syndromes of the carpal tunnel fashion.
Who I am and where I come from is not important. I was raised by my single mother on the banks of one of Asmellrica’s largest sewage and waste facilities. The smell, is real. No government can hide it. And everywhere I go, I cannot escape it. Neither can you.
After a tussle with some local smellies in my youth, I realized who I truly was. And during my time in the stink, young “what’s his name” died, and The Sultan of Stink emerged.
My rite of nasal passage allowed me to see who I truly was. Spivvy. The Splatman. With liberty. And justice. For balls. And there’s no flushing me away now.
Those of you who know me can tell my tale. This forum has no time for that. This space is for dealing with the New World Odor ONLY! We’re gonna air out their trash. Let the world smell the truth. Let the governshit know that we are here. And we’ve brought the wall-plug freshener. And this doesn’t just go for the POO.S.A either. Warning to the whole of the New World Odor: We’re coming for ya.
Until the next woft hits us. I’m Spivvy, odor and out.