The Art of The Donkey Show
LONDON, ENGLAND– Great Britain. “Mother England.” A collective of squabbling melanin-deficients whose acceptance of the changing times is as strong as their grip on the dental floss that has long been forgotten in their medicine cabinets.
One may ask how such an equine-faced people–foreigners in their own land (ref. BREXIT)– pariahs of the once-great continent of Europe, rose so high only to fall so low. But that’s not what this investigative series is about.
We’re here to break down and through the fleshy confines of history’s favorite business:
And in no place is there a greater example of just how fiscal a powerhouse donkey shows can be in revitalising a soft economy as in England. In the Middle Ages. After the plague.
Historians mark the Middle Ages in three subdivisions, the Early, High and Late. Population fluctuations, cultural shifts and financial earnings tend to delineate the periods, but one asterisk is often left undotted in the history bookmakers’ paperwork.
As the Black Death purged its way across Europe, and the Late Middle Ages waged on, the entire continent’s population decreased by about a third. Which is a sexy way to say all those people got dead. And in the wake of this Ethan Hawke plague purging, a now decimated workforce had to make up for lost hands.
So employers had to figure out ways to bring in more work. To keep house. Or keep up production. Or keep the faith like that drunk asshole Billy Joel. And one major snap of the overlord hyman was the induction of a liveable wage. Benefits soon followed. And the early modern age began thereafter.
But how, all ceaselessly ask, did this process move so quickly? What is the one component of all major cultural and financial progress in history that will forever stand true? Where’s the fucking donkeys?
What is merely remembered as humans gaining wages and taking up differing trades, should more properly be known as an onslaught of donkey jobshifting and inclusion in the workforce.
In a sea of green, where all men are farmers, owning a donkey was like having a cock. Or hens. Everybody’s got them. But so many people were dying. And it’s hard to imagine a chicken penis being at all reminiscent of a human’s. Or even fun to look at.
Sex sells. And a farmer’s gotta eat. So when you’re making out like a bandit–which, at that time meant doing very poorly, actually–with your farming trade or whatever it may be, you’ve got to diversify your yield.
Almost the entire third of what was lost in human population was made up for in farm donkeys crossing over into performing for the sexed up crowds of medieval England with no humans to mingle. Try finding that in your AP History touchpad.
The people of Great Britain MUST take heed of the timeless words of noted WaterWorld person Kevin Costner in the extremely well-aged film classic Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.
“What has happened to my England?” the Tin Cup American exalts. I imagine him continuing with, “We have such a rich history of donkeys performing in sex shows to jump start our languishing economy of the Late Middle Ages. We must never forget that.”
Businesspeople the world over should fall in line with the Borfesenisspeople elite who know, without a doubt, that the donkey show is America’s Next Top Model citizen of business models. We need only look at our flea-ridden plagueocites across the pond of the past to pin the tail on this jessy of commerce.
Join me next time as we set sail on the path of world traveler and donk-thusiast Marco Polo. Adventure, intrigue, and dancing with the mongol hourde. What a time to be a donkey.