NEW YORK, NY — It’s that time of year again, Borfesinesspeople of the world. The Annual Year-End Holiday List Blast is back, and we’re coming hard out of the pipes with our first installment.
A practically national sensation on the 2015 political scene, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders continues his push to the head of the presidential race with his no-nonsense social reform outlines and economic plans. But we at Borfes have got some more pressing issues to consider when considering the Democratic Socialist’s credentials. And so, we present to you:
The Top 5 Reasons Bernie Sanders Would Not Make A Good Chipotle GM
5.) He feels it wrong that the top one-tenth of one percent of the American populace owns more wealth than the entire rest of the populace combined.
What kind of pinko commie horse shit is this? When real businessmen and money-minded worker people make their greenbacks, they receive no help from any other person whatsoever, and as such, deserve as much fiscal gain and sweet, sweet wealth as can be prevented from others. Sanders, how can you properly keep the power status quo at your Chipotle with those kinds of heinous remarks?
4.) He supports the use of need-based financial aid and work study programs to make college debt free.
Again with the commie garbage. Seriously, if I had it as easy as these pussy kids today, I would’ve become the Barton Everett I am now by the time I was five. Oh wait, I did! AND I had it as hard as people in MY day had it! SO WHAT if you’re in $70,000+ of debt after four years at a state school who cut your program halfway through your last year. It’s called WORKING IT OFF. Ever heard of it?
Yes, maybe most college was tuition-free until the 1980s. Yes, maybe the average tuition for four-year state schools in that time was $240 some-odd dollars. Which, with inflation means something like $800 today. That doesn’t change the fact that kids today are whiny little bitches who don’t know the meaning of struggle and/or having it hard. Sanders, you’re coddling your employees and their hungry families.
3.) He’s a Jew.
I don’t mean this in the “national socialist” kind of way. I mean it in the, “you’re gonna have to handle pork and things of that such on the line” kind of way. Religion is very important when making these decisions. And someone in Sanders’ shoes or the shoes of his ilk doesn’t know struggle or suffering, similar to the youths of today that he panders to.
2.) He doesn’t even LIKE burritos!
I mean, socialism and even communism I may be able to stomach, but this is just atrocious. No man who doesn’t like burritos will ever run our Chipotles.
UPDATE: As of a town hall gathering in Seattle, WA on December 11th, 2015, this point has been disputed/disproven. Sanders quote: “I think burritos are very tasty, and quite filling. In a good way.”
1.) He has yet to clearly outline his foreign policy.
With all else of his able-tended policies considered, Mr. Sanders still has to bring this one major point to the table. If he’s going to be considered at all. For running a Chipotle. He should be sweating.
Until next time! This has been the first shot of the Borfes Annual Year-End Holiday List Blast. Keep listing for more to follow.